I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize