got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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