Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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