its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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