this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
