...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
