Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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