I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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