Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
