Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
