i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
