Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
