My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
