i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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