I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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