this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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