So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
