The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize