Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
