I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You ate ashes out of my bong
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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