Got a toothbrush?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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