im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
