I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
