I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
