I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
