I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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