Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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