Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize