I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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