I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
