Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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