what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
