Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
