im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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