im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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