i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
