Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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