Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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