I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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