There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
