we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize