My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
