Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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