i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
