ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
