i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
