im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
