I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
