my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
