I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
But break dance skills will only take you so far
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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