I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my vag is so smooth its legendary
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
