I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
