I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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