i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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