I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
