Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize