how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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