I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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