You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I accidentally had phone sex last night
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize