my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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