I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
