it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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