you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
