apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
me + whiskey = a bad person
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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