dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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